Friday, June 10, 2011

Fun Friday


This was sent to me the other day; it's just too good not to share. Enjoy.


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts , and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid .

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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard .

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.

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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM .

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

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And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

10 comments:

  1. Elspeth - Oh, this is absolutely hilarious!!! Oh, this is just priceless! I couldn't even choose a favourite, I think, because each one made me laugh. I wonder if some of these people have any idea how ridiculous what they said really is.

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  2. And to think...some of those same attorneys write our laws. No further comment.

    Have a great weekend!

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  3. Keep getting 'service unavailable' messages when I try to comment. Blogger is being picky, I guess.

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  4. I shall try once more with my 'real' comment.
    I've seen these, and they're still funny. And, related to one of my recent blog posts, you couldn't write these in a book because nobody would believe them, true or not!)

    Terry
    Terry's Place
    Romance with a Twist--of Mystery

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  5. Elspeth, you have again made my day.

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  6. What fun. I especially liked this one:

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

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  7. Margot; Aren't they great? And yet hand-bangingly awful at the same time.

    Carol; I don't think any further comment is needed.

    Terry; That's often the way, isn't it?

    Giggles; I'm so pleased!

    Maryann; I give kudos to the witness for vocalizing instead of banging his/her head on the closest piece of wood.

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  8. Yahooo, it´s Friday!
    A wonderful selection that made me laugh out loud several times. Thank you.

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  9. Dorte; You're so welcome! Have a great weekend.

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  10. Thanks, Elspeth, for the great chuckles today!!!

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