Wherein I endeavour to share writerly advice lightened with humour, pictures and a dollop of 1930s-1940s history.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
10 Signs You're Almost Finished
10. You can't remember the actual number of drafts you've written.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Hide and Seek
There are the days when the writing goes well. I love those days. I want more of those days. For all those other days, however, here are a few ideas of where you might find your talent.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant..
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a phone camera these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a bush fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its bum."
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Sewing a Story
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
10 Reasons It all Evens Out in the End
10. There is never enough coffee.
9. The ideas come either too fast or not fast enough.
8. You will always be the worst critic you ever face.
7. You will use more imagination in coming up with excuses on why you're not writing than you will ever use in your writing. (or maybe that's just me)
6. There will be days when it seems every writer you're in touch with is more productive than you.
5. You will find something you've written that delights you and fills you with pride.
4. You will love all your characters; even the ones with serious issues.
3. You will find the courage to put your work in front of impartial eyes.
2. You will learn that somedays writing 100 words is a bigger triumph than writing 2500.
1. You will find that emergency supply of coffee that you hid behind the flour container. How did it get there? Never, ever ask.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Lurking at the Back
Friday, June 17, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Here's an amazing bit of film showing Edward VIII trooping the colour the one time he performed the duty as monarch. For those who don't know, this is a yearly ceremony which happens in June, marking the monarch's official birthday. The monarch gets an official birthday at the same time each year (unlike regular birthdays) in the hopes for good weather for the parade. Interestingly, Edward's birthday was actually in June, so the parade was only a few weeks off the actual date.
TROOPING THE COLOUR
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
10 Things that May have Happened to You
Monday, June 13, 2011
Friday, June 10, 2011
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts , and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid .
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard .
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM .
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.