Monday, January 16, 2012

And Then There Were...

Writer: The time has come.

Characters: What does that mean?

Writer: One of you has to go.

Characters: GROUP SCREAM

Writer: Oh, calm down. Look at it this way, I'm not killing you off, it'll just be as if you didn't exist.

Supporting Character: How is that supposed to make us feel better? (looks around) It's me, isn't it? It's going to be me!

Main Character: (looking for dirt under his fingernails) Perhaps.

Another Supporting Character: No, it's me. I haven't been pulling my weight. I've been stuck in the same place for chapters. No change. No growth. (points at writer) Actually...that's your fault, not mine.

Writer: Sorry.

Yet Another Supporting Character: I don't see why we should take the brunt of this. At one point there was a reason for all of us.

Supporting Character: We were loved.

Another Supporting Character: We were cherished.

Yet Another Supporting Character: We had biographies. I knew where I went to school. I knew I was afraid of spiders.

Main Character: I knew that too.

Supporting Character: Oh be quiet. You think you're sooo special.

Main Character: (smiles)

Writer: I'm sorry.

Supporting Character: You're SORRY? That's all we get? Where are the flowers? Where is the thoughtful tribute?

Another Supporting Character: Even a song would help.

Supporting Character: Yeah. Hum for us, writer-girl.

Writer: Hum?

Supporting Character: Don't make us force you.

Writer: Wow.

Supporting Character: Well, what did you expect? Did you think we'd go down without a fight?

Another Supporting Character: We're feisty.

Supporting Character: And resourceful.

Writer: That's true...

Yet Another Supporting Character: We know our rights!

Characters: (chanting) Save our arcs! Save our arcs!

Main Character: I can tell you what's going to happen...

Writer: Really?

Main Character: Who ever you pick will just come back. You'll realize you need them for a subplot development. For instance, what about...(whispers in writer's ear)

Writer: You're right.

Main Character: (shrugs) Of course.

Writer: Okay, listen up. You're all still alive. For now. But I'm editing one more time. If you don't pull your weight, you're voted off the island.

Supporting Character: But we're not on an island.

Yet Another Supporting Character: It's a metaphor.

Main Character: Strike one.

8 comments:

  1. Elspeth - You know, I didn't think it was just my characters that acted like that. Nice to know it isn't. And I love your metaphor. Funny thing is, in the novel I just finished a few months ago, two characters - er - didn't make it and one had a complete personality change. I am the puppet master! ;-)

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  2. Margot; I had a character undergo a complete personality change as well! I think the lesson is to not get too attached to characters as they are - change is good (and sometimes fatal - oh well.)

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  3. I love this! Too funny yet so true.

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  4. Sounds like a normal day at the office. :) They never go down without a fight, do they?

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  5. I killed off one of my protag's three sisters. They were just too damn much. Maybe I didn't kill her so much as subhume her into another sister. I felt awful but it is done done done. Where are the sheep?

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